2024-06-18 23:26:12 +00:00
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<title>The Internet Vagabond :: Seneca's Letter to Lucilius, Letter 3</title>
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<span class="first">T</span>he
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<span class="first">I</span>nternet
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<span class="first">V</span>agabond
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<h1>Letter 3: On True and False Friendship</h1>
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<h2>Original Text</h2>
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<p>1. You have sent a letter to me through the hand of a "friend" of yours, as
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you call him. And in your very next sentence you warn me not to discuss with
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him all the matters that concern you, saying that even you yourself are not
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accustomed to do this; in other words, you have in the same letter affirmed
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and denied that he is your friend. 2. Now if you used this word of ours in
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the popular sense, and called him "friend" in the same way in which we speak
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of all candidates for election as "honourable gentlemen," and as we greet
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all men whom we meet casually, if their names slip us for the moment, with
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the salutation "my dear sir," – so be it. But if you consider any man a
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friend whom you do not trust as you trust yourself, you are mightily
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mistaken and you do not sufficiently understand what true friendship means.
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Indeed, I would have you discuss everything with a friend; but first of all
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discuss the man himself. When friendship is settled, you must trust; before
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friendship is formed, you must pass judgment. Those persons indeed put last
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first and confound their duties, who, violating the rules of Theophrastus,
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judge a man after they have made him their friend, instead of making him
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their friend after they have judged him. Ponder for a long time whether you
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shall admit a given person to your friendship; but when you have decided to
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admit him, welcome him with all your heart and soul. Speak as boldly with
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him as with yourself. 3. As to yourself, although you should live in such a
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way that you trust your own self with nothing which you could not entrust
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even to your enemy, yet, since certain matters occur which convention keeps
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secret, you should share with a friend at least all your worries and
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reflections. Regard him as loyal, and you will make him loyal. Some, for
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example, fearing to be deceived, have taught men to deceive; by their
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suspicions they have given their friend the right to do wrong. Why need I
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keep back any words in the presence of my friend? Why should I not regard
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myself as alone when in his company?</p>
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<p>4. There is a class of men who communicate, to anyone whom they meet, matters
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which should be revealed to friends alone, and unload upon the chance
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listener whatever irks them. Others, again, fear to confide in their closest
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intimates; and if it were possible, they would not trust even themselves,
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burying their secrets deep in their hearts. But we should do neither. It is
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equally faulty to trust everyone and to trust no one. Yet the former fault
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is, I should say, the more ingenuous, the latter the more safe. 5. In like
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manner you should rebuke these two kinds of men, – both those who always
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lack repose, and those who are always in repose. For love of bustle is not
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industry, – it is only the restlessness of a hunted mind. And true repose
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does not consist in condemning all motion as merely vexation; that kind of
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repose is slackness and inertia. 6. Therefore, you should note the
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following saying, taken from my reading in Pomponius: "Some men shrink into
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dark corners, to such a degree that they see darkly by day." No, men should
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combine these tendencies, and he who reposes should act and he who acts
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should take repose. Discuss the problem with Nature; she will tell you that
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she has created both day and night. Farewell.</p>
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<h2>Response</h2>
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<p>In this letter I take away two themes: one of friendship, and one of
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discussions. Of friendship, I think Seneca's definition sets a high bar,
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though rightfully so. A friend (perhaps a "true friend", considering
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Facebook et al) is one you can confide in without restriction, except for
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the most tightly held of secrets. I can personally count the number of
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people I could call this type of friend on one hand. To Seneca, as with me,
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friend is an honorable position.</p>
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<p>In today's social-media-fueled world, I find that the term "friend" resonates
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much closer to Seneca's sick burn: "friend" in the same way in which we
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speak of all candidates for election as "honorable gentlemen." Perhaps,
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though, there's a bit of syntactic significance here. To the Stoics, the
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importance of community and brotherhood is found throughout. Marcus Aurelius
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has a famous quote about it, as masterfully illustrated by the great Gavin
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at Zen Pencils: [<a href="https://zenpencils.com/comic/aurelius/"> Link
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</a>]. I think it safe to say we should be friendly and helpful to all we meet,
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whereas to welcome one as a friend is a significant event, and one which
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requires careful consideration.</p>
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<p>The second theme, discussion, is only touched on but I think is significant
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enough to warrant attention. Seneca mentions the importance of moderation in
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trust and discussion with others. Do not share freely and constantly, and
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also do not withdraw within yourself too far. I think here we see a
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blueprint for discussion with others. To borrow from Marcus, we are all
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brothers, and in that sense we should be comfortable discussing common
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matters. However, it is only with friends that we should be comfortable
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discussing more personal matters, and even then we must be considerate. Once
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again, our social-media-centric world finds many of us sharing freely into a
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void we do not recognize as a crowd. Many would do well to remember: social
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media is not empty! There are those who greedily capture every word you give
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freely, like a stray animal to a buffet. Judge well what you decide to
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share, for likely it is not with "true friends" that the message solely
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goes.</p>
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<p>Reflecting on this letter made me carefully evaluate my friendships. I rarely
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have difficulty with people, though admittedly I take time to "warm up" to
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them. In terms of discussions, I don't find much to be beyond common topics.
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In that sense, I think I am a bit too loose-lipped, though perhaps not as
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much as I think. However, I do know that it is a small group with which I
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confide the most personal challenges or achievements I have made. And, as
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Seneca does suggest, I do not allow entry into this group lightly!</p>
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<h3>Source</h3>
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<p><a href="https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Moral_letters_to_Lucilius/Letter_3">
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Moral Letters to Lucilius, Letter 3 on Wikisource
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</a></p>
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Bill Niblock
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title="Code dedicated to the public domain under Unlicense"</span>
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2018-01-20
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<p>
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My name is <span class="p-name">Bill Niblock</span>. <span
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class="p-note">I'm a computer scientist by education, a technologist
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by trade, a gamer by hobby, and a philosopher by accident. I
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live in <span class="p-locality">Buffalo</span>, <span class="p-region">
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New York</span>, <span class="p-country-name">USA</span>.<br />
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<br />
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My PGP Key is <span class="u-key" id="key">CCE7 3682 331B 5614 9FAB
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7383 7359 80B2 6381 C91E</span>.
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