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<h1>Letter 3: On True and False Friendship</h1>
<h2>Original Text</h2>
<p>1. You have sent a letter to me through the hand of a "friend" of yours, as
you call him. And in your very next sentence you warn me not to discuss with
him all the matters that concern you, saying that even you yourself are not
accustomed to do this; in other words, you have in the same letter affirmed
and denied that he is your friend. 2. Now if you used this word of ours in
the popular sense, and called him "friend" in the same way in which we speak
of all candidates for election as "honourable gentlemen," and as we greet
all men whom we meet casually, if their names slip us for the moment, with
the salutation "my dear sir," – so be it. But if you consider any man a
friend whom you do not trust as you trust yourself, you are mightily
mistaken and you do not sufficiently understand what true friendship means.
Indeed, I would have you discuss everything with a friend; but first of all
discuss the man himself. When friendship is settled, you must trust; before
friendship is formed, you must pass judgment. Those persons indeed put last
first and confound their duties, who, violating the rules of Theophrastus,
judge a man after they have made him their friend, instead of making him
their friend after they have judged him. Ponder for a long time whether you
shall admit a given person to your friendship; but when you have decided to
admit him, welcome him with all your heart and soul. Speak as boldly with
him as with yourself. 3. As to yourself, although you should live in such a
way that you trust your own self with nothing which you could not entrust
even to your enemy, yet, since certain matters occur which convention keeps
secret, you should share with a friend at least all your worries and
reflections. Regard him as loyal, and you will make him loyal. Some, for
example, fearing to be deceived, have taught men to deceive; by their
suspicions they have given their friend the right to do wrong. Why need I
keep back any words in the presence of my friend? Why should I not regard
myself as alone when in his company?</p>
<p>4. There is a class of men who communicate, to anyone whom they meet, matters
which should be revealed to friends alone, and unload upon the chance
listener whatever irks them. Others, again, fear to confide in their closest
intimates; and if it were possible, they would not trust even themselves,
burying their secrets deep in their hearts. But we should do neither. It is
equally faulty to trust everyone and to trust no one. Yet the former fault
is, I should say, the more ingenuous, the latter the more safe. 5. In like
manner you should rebuke these two kinds of men, – both those who always
lack repose, and those who are always in repose. For love of bustle is not
industry, – it is only the restlessness of a hunted mind. And true repose
does not consist in condemning all motion as merely vexation; that kind of
repose is slackness and inertia. 6. Therefore, you should note the
following saying, taken from my reading in Pomponius: "Some men shrink into
dark corners, to such a degree that they see darkly by day." No, men should
combine these tendencies, and he who reposes should act and he who acts
should take repose. Discuss the problem with Nature; she will tell you that
she has created both day and night. Farewell.</p>
<h2>Response</h2>
<p>In this letter I take away two themes: one of friendship, and one of
discussions. Of friendship, I think Seneca's definition sets a high bar,
though rightfully so. A friend (perhaps a "true friend", considering
Facebook et al) is one you can confide in without restriction, except for
the most tightly held of secrets. I can personally count the number of
people I could call this type of friend on one hand. To Seneca, as with me,
friend is an honorable position.</p>
<p>In today's social-media-fueled world, I find that the term "friend" resonates
much closer to Seneca's sick burn: "friend" in the same way in which we
speak of all candidates for election as "honorable gentlemen." Perhaps,
though, there's a bit of syntactic significance here. To the Stoics, the
importance of community and brotherhood is found throughout. Marcus Aurelius
has a famous quote about it, as masterfully illustrated by the great Gavin
at Zen Pencils: [<a href="https://zenpencils.com/comic/aurelius/"> Link
</a>]. I think it safe to say we should be friendly and helpful to all we meet,
whereas to welcome one as a friend is a significant event, and one which
requires careful consideration.</p>
<p>The second theme, discussion, is only touched on but I think is significant
enough to warrant attention. Seneca mentions the importance of moderation in
trust and discussion with others. Do not share freely and constantly, and
also do not withdraw within yourself too far. I think here we see a
blueprint for discussion with others. To borrow from Marcus, we are all
brothers, and in that sense we should be comfortable discussing common
matters. However, it is only with friends that we should be comfortable
discussing more personal matters, and even then we must be considerate. Once
again, our social-media-centric world finds many of us sharing freely into a
void we do not recognize as a crowd. Many would do well to remember: social
media is not empty! There are those who greedily capture every word you give
freely, like a stray animal to a buffet. Judge well what you decide to
share, for likely it is not with "true friends" that the message solely
goes.</p>
<p>Reflecting on this letter made me carefully evaluate my friendships. I rarely
have difficulty with people, though admittedly I take time to "warm up" to
them. In terms of discussions, I don't find much to be beyond common topics.
In that sense, I think I am a bit too loose-lipped, though perhaps not as
much as I think. However, I do know that it is a small group with which I
confide the most personal challenges or achievements I have made. And, as
Seneca does suggest, I do not allow entry into this group lightly!</p>
<h3>Source</h3>
<p><a href="https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Moral_letters_to_Lucilius/Letter_3">
Moral Letters to Lucilius, Letter 3 on Wikisource
</a></p>
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2018-01-20
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